I’ve got a hunger
Twisting my stomach into knots
That my tongue was tied off

My brain’s repeating
“if you’ve got an impulse let it out”
But they never make it past my mouth.

Baa bah, this is the sound of settling
Baa bah, baa bah

Our youth is fleeting
Old age is just around the bend
And i can’t wait to go grey

And i’ll sit and wonder
Of every love that could’ve been
If i’d only thought of something charming to say.

Baa bah, this is the sound of settling
Baa bah, baa bah

I’ve got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots.

While cleaning, I noticed the ripped jacket.

I remembered the night it happened…and couldn’t help but wonder how life would have been different if that night had gone differently.

I wonder if it would still fit me?

It’s obvious that I haven’t come to terms with that night.

A “what if” that ever looms in my mind.

But not only for that night.

For all those nights.

On that couch.

With that scent.

Touch.

Closeness.

Why didn’t I listen to my instincts?

Or her instincts?

Why did I lose him?

Because he was never mine to begin with…

I’d listen to music, but the music I can think of right now will probably just annoy me more than help.

I’d talk to a friend, but that would require complete honesty about why I’m upset…and that’s just scary.

I’d sleep it off, but the thing that’s bothering me will still be there when I wake up.

I’d try to fix it….but it’s never completely fixed.

So, after realizing my post last night actually didn’t say what I wanted to say and actually said something I didn’t mean to say at all, I decided to delete and try again.

Though it seemed that the theme of what I wrote said that the issue was my being at odds with people. That was not the main point of the post. Though I’ve been feeling at odds with people, for MOST of those people, it’s my fault for lack of good judgment on my part. I haven’t been taking the best care of myself and need to be taking adequate time to “recharge” and it hasn’t been happening. This is when I get in little “spats” with people, and this is why I felt at odds with said people. This problem is at MOST temporary, and I do intend to go to properly recharge and go to these people and let them know I am sorry for my short fuse.

The real point of what I was writing is that I feel that I need more faith to go and do the things that I feel God would have me to do. And one of those things is to move on from a certain situation that has been a part of my life for the last several months. I need to move away from it, at LEAST emotionally. Moving away from it physically would be excellent for me too, but right now, I need to be the woman God wants me to be right here in my town. Whatever that’s going to mean.

It’s going to mean more self-control and discipline. These things don’t come easily to anyone, so I should just get off my butt and do them.

So, on the map of “my journey” I’m back in the wilderness. I’m wandering again.

I just wrote a bunch of garbage and deleted it. All this to say that I’ve become a bit cliched. I’m not a writer. I don’t know why I do this. People probably don’t care about the things I have to write. I don’t think I’m going to do this for a while because I don’t know what to say. Mmmkay.

PART FIRST:

I know it’s not true. It was just a dream, and since I’m awake and see that there is no evidence of such a happening, I should feel relieved and happy. But I still feel tense.

I HATE conflict with the people I love. I just need a hug from this person now to know everthing indeed is okay. Shame this person is hours away…

PART SECOND:

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. I’ll talk to you when I WANT to. Right now all you’re doing is making me want nothing to do with you.

I miss you desperately. I miss how close we used to be. Even when I felt like you didn’t care…deep down I knew you did because you’d show it in amazing ways. Our conversations about life and God, and even the ones that were just about nonsense were always great.

You are far away, but I feel like you’re even further than you really are because we hardly talk anymore. I didn’t write this to you personally because I don’t want to appear needy…but writing this to the public does the same thing.

I love you and I miss what we used to have. I guess I just want to feel like you miss me too…but I can’t expect that. I guess I just have TOO much time on my hands…nonetheless, I miss you.

Believing I’ve failed is a lie.

I’m blessed.

I’m loved.

I’m warm.

I’m fed.

There’s a few people who don’t like me. Maybe more than I realize…

But I’ve got a home to come to where people love me.

I’ve got amazing friends.

Now I just move forward….